If I am being honest with myself, there is a big part of myself that wishes I didn’t have to pay attention to my food and my movement and my mental health all of the time.
I mean, I know I don’t HAVE TO. It’s not like someone is forcing me to do this. It’s my choice.
However, if I want to stay thin, in shape, and at peace I must do it all of the time. I must always keep my mental and physical health in my priorities in life.
So I suppose it is fair to say I am being forced to do this by reality. Reality is forcing me. If I want to keep my body and mind at the level they are I must pay the price.
I tried not worrying about my mental and physical health before. I discovered what happens when I do that. I become fat, out of shape, tired, and my self esteem falls apart. I shy away from experiences and my world begins to shrink.
Losing weight and working on my mental health has expanded the world for me. I have more experiences than I did before because I am no longer limited by my body and my mind in the same way I was before.
In the before times I would go camping. This would involve me staying near the camp site most of the time with the occasional excursion into the woods preferably by ATV.
Now when I camp it’s all excursions with the occasional visit to the camp site till night time. Why? Because I want to go and explore! I am free to hang out at the camp site still. I just don’t want to because it is now easy to wander away and see what’s nearby.
When I see a mountain I climb it. If I see a valley I hike down to the bottom. If I have a bike I ride it down the road. If I see a trail I go down it. Why? Because now it’s easy. My mind and body are up for the task with minimal effort.
In the past I would lose weight, celebrate my accomplishments, then think I no longer needed to pay attention to my needs as much as I did before. Of course this never worked for me. I would find myself back beyond where I started waiting till I got frustrated enough to do something about it. Fuck I hated Yo-Yo dieting!!!!! I felt helpless to my own appetites. I felt like a prisoner to my own bodies impulses.
These impulses would go away after a while. However they are always STILL THERE!!!! It’s annoying sometimes. I wish they would go away and stay away rather than leaving long enough to trick me into thinking I am fixed only to return again.
These impulses by the way. They are impulses to eat. Fantasies of my imagination tempting me to run back to the freedom of my old life. Except it wasn’t freedom! Sure, I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But that came at a cost. Slowly over time this freedom to eat whatever I wanted was granted after I paid the price with my freedom and my self esteem.
So what am I getting at with this blog post? I guess I just wanted to vent a bit. I am okay with reality. I have accepted the cost of that which I desire and I am happy to pay it. It’s just that some part of me still wishes there was a way to do this with no effort.
Living seems to be more effort than it might appear at first glance.
To those with me on the other side of the weight loss journey. Hold strong. Take care of your mind and body. Leave yourself in your priority list with everything else in your life. Sure, some other things might be a higher priority than you sometimes but you should also get the be number 1 from time to time too.